It’s ok

i’m happy

i’m good

i really am happy.

How many times do i have to lie for things to actually be ok?

How many nights do i have to cry?

How many fights do we have to have?

How many attacks can i have?

How many nightmares may i dream?

Until things get better..

Or until you have enough and leave?

becuase face it,

everyone leaves me.

Thinking.

why is he taking forever to text you back?

hes prolly drinking, actually hes prolly halfway to drunk.

i mean i shouldnt have said not to drink to much.

of course hes going to, hes at a party with his friends who party.

i cant get mad cuz then he will keep doing it, i mean thats how it works right.

ugh too late im already mad. 

he can get shitty with me for smoking weed one time and i was with him..

and he goes and drinks without me all the time.

we had an agreement that hed only drink with me..

guess i was stupid to think it would actually go like that..

i dont like his friends becuase of that…

and i mean if hes with me..and im drinking too like its ok.

as fucked up as that sounds.

but at least then i know what hes doing.

hes not flirting with other girls..or doing something really stupid.

like he used to always do when he drank.

like i just dont know.

and it sucks cuz i have NO ONE to distract my mind.

talk me through it.

becuase my dumbass moved.

and now i have no friends. no one.

im alone, on a friday night after work

while the one person i have

my boyfriend

is off at a football party

prolly getting wasted even though he knows ill be so pissed

and with all his friends.

ignoring me.

life is just so grand.

like part of me wants to express all of this to him

but then the other part doesnt.

like what if what im thinking is actually true?

yea i dont want to face that.

i ran from all my problems in indiana 

to create even more bigger ones here.

can i just get something to turn my mind off

even for a few hours…please?

my life.

Im really upset with the fact that i finally kinda sorta figured out what i wanted to go to college for and now all i wanted is washed away. gone in a blink. i should have just kept my mouth shut. i had this amazing idea to go to college next semester, get my buisness degree, and start my own hookah lounge. like my ideas were so perfect and i talked to my boyfriend about it and he seemed pretty excited about it. and we even mentioned some people who we could really benefit working for us. but now the entire idea is gone. like now i have no chance in succedding. my boyfriend decided to have a “buisness meeting” i had no clue about, i had to ask what he was doing cuz he wasnt talking to me. Hes meeting up with his super rich friend who owns these really successful buisness. he’s talking to him about opening a hookah lounge. like im so pissed. the one thing i thought i could actually possibly succeed with and now i have no chance becuase of my own boyfriend. like ya i get the fact that i know you are being successsful with your life and doing things you want and you have people to pay for your college. but i dont. and im not good at much. actually im pretty useless. and now i feel even more useless. i moved and left everything in indiana. and now im here, no friends, no college, no car, no dreams of being successful because im pretty sure its impossible for me. and i know no one will read this but its just nice to get it out of my system seeing how i have no one to talk to. i just feel like a nobody, completly useless like if i dissapreaed it really wouldnt matter.

and i suck at spelling and dont feel like fixing my errors lol