It’s ok

i’m happy

i’m good

i really am happy.

How many times do i have to lie for things to actually be ok?

How many nights do i have to cry?

How many fights do we have to have?

How many attacks can i have?

How many nightmares may i dream?

Until things get better..

Or until you have enough and leave?

becuase face it,

everyone leaves me.

i lay in my bed,

wishing the thoughts would leave my head.

im tired of dreamin,

of thinking about what could be.

im sick of empty promises,

of painting perfect pictures.

i want to know whats really in front of us,

i dont want to have to read between the lines.

i want something to fill

the emptiness that has taken over.

and i want it to happen soon.

please.

Go

What are you trying to do?

you dont respond to my messages

but yet your not too busy to find yourself on twitter..

i would call you

but i already know you wont answer,

you say you love me, that you cant love another

but everything is contridicting.

i dont think you understand just how bad you hurt me

the last week i was there.

all i wanted to do was spend the last week with the guy i love,

but you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me.

i was breaking, 

i couldnt keep it together,

and you disappeared.

i needed you,

but you ran.

and now youre doing it all over again.

so what do you want?

to push me away,

to break me into tiny pieces

that can never get put back together?

becuase thats whats happening,

and im left here trying so hard,

to get you to stay.

but i cant get you to stay 

if you want to leave.

just stop playing these games.

im already broken,

in pieces,

you win.

so go if thats what you want.

if youre happy then ill learn to deal.

they all leave.

Thinking.

why is he taking forever to text you back?

hes prolly drinking, actually hes prolly halfway to drunk.

i mean i shouldnt have said not to drink to much.

of course hes going to, hes at a party with his friends who party.

i cant get mad cuz then he will keep doing it, i mean thats how it works right.

ugh too late im already mad. 

he can get shitty with me for smoking weed one time and i was with him..

and he goes and drinks without me all the time.

we had an agreement that hed only drink with me..

guess i was stupid to think it would actually go like that..

i dont like his friends becuase of that…

and i mean if hes with me..and im drinking too like its ok.

as fucked up as that sounds.

but at least then i know what hes doing.

hes not flirting with other girls..or doing something really stupid.

like he used to always do when he drank.

like i just dont know.

and it sucks cuz i have NO ONE to distract my mind.

talk me through it.

becuase my dumbass moved.

and now i have no friends. no one.

im alone, on a friday night after work

while the one person i have

my boyfriend

is off at a football party

prolly getting wasted even though he knows ill be so pissed

and with all his friends.

ignoring me.

life is just so grand.

like part of me wants to express all of this to him

but then the other part doesnt.

like what if what im thinking is actually true?

yea i dont want to face that.

i ran from all my problems in indiana 

to create even more bigger ones here.

can i just get something to turn my mind off

even for a few hours…please?