14 Things Only Show Choir Kids Know

It’s ok

i’m happy

i’m good

i really am happy.

How many times do i have to lie for things to actually be ok?

How many nights do i have to cry?

How many fights do we have to have?

How many attacks can i have?

How many nightmares may i dream?

Until things get better..

Or until you have enough and leave?

becuase face it,

everyone leaves me.

college: Day 2

Today has been kinda crazy. its my first day where i actually have to stay here all day. i have these awkward hour and half in between classes. i have no idea where anything is at here and i have two friends who both have opposite scedules as i do. the parking is absolutly insane. theres like no parking spots open. and my music theory professor just had us match pitch out of no where. like i was not expecting to sing at all in that class since you dont have to audition to get into it. but my anxiety has been so bad since ive been alone all day. ive also gotten lost and just this whole thing is so stressful. but it will get easier. and hopefully i can make friends lol

Today was my first day of school and its crazy how much freedom i have now that im in college. i also learned that i know absolutly nothing about cameras or camera lingo. i am extremly lost in my visual com class because of that. but im gonna try to post on her more often. and my blog is in dire need of a makeover so maybe ill work on that in between classes tommorrow. that is if i can get onto thier wifi. 

laters.

i may be annoyed by the way you act sometimes

or by some of the things you do

but no one could ever make me love you any less

or them any more

not even the one who spends money on me

or the one who gives me constant attention

or the one who writes me poetry

or the one who whispers sweet nothings in my ear

because at the end of the day

im still thinking of you

and all the ways and reasons

i love you

and how in the big picture

you make me happier

than any of those people combined

you dont have to buy my love

or fake your way to my love

becuase i love you

just the way you are

i love the good side of you

the annoying side of you 

and the bad side of you

and despite all our stupid arguements

i wouldnt give you up

if my life depended on it.

maybe one day youll answer my questions,

youll take sacrifices for me,

youll take time off to “see” me,

youll talk to me like you did months ago,

you show me you love me in little

and big ways,

ill stop getting these anxiety attacks

over you,

ill realize i cant plan my perfect future

with you,

or maybe that day will

never come.

the beginning

if i could start from the beginning

i would go back to seeing your face light up

when i got into your beat up jeep.

i would hold those butterflies inside for forever.

i would cherish the nervous look before we kiss

i would expand the love we showed.

i would beg you to never let go of my hand

i would make you promise we’d be together

forever.

but even if i went back to the beginning,

it still wouldnt change how we are now.

worn, scared, falling apart

slowly but surely. 

the tears that fall every night is proof

that we will never be how we were

in the beginning

i lay in my bed,

wishing the thoughts would leave my head.

im tired of dreamin,

of thinking about what could be.

im sick of empty promises,

of painting perfect pictures.

i want to know whats really in front of us,

i dont want to have to read between the lines.

i want something to fill

the emptiness that has taken over.

and i want it to happen soon.

please.

Go

What are you trying to do?

you dont respond to my messages

but yet your not too busy to find yourself on twitter..

i would call you

but i already know you wont answer,

you say you love me, that you cant love another

but everything is contridicting.

i dont think you understand just how bad you hurt me

the last week i was there.

all i wanted to do was spend the last week with the guy i love,

but you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me.

i was breaking, 

i couldnt keep it together,

and you disappeared.

i needed you,

but you ran.

and now youre doing it all over again.

so what do you want?

to push me away,

to break me into tiny pieces

that can never get put back together?

becuase thats whats happening,

and im left here trying so hard,

to get you to stay.

but i cant get you to stay 

if you want to leave.

just stop playing these games.

im already broken,

in pieces,

you win.

so go if thats what you want.

if youre happy then ill learn to deal.

they all leave.

I really just dont know what to think anymore. i forgot who i used to be. i cant seem to remeber how we were..just what we are now. and i keep thinking “it will get better” “things will fall into place” but im not so sure anymore. you were my everything and i know distance is just so impossible to be in a serious relationship but i dont know..i feel empty without you. my world revolved around you as sad as that is. and im not sure if this pain is from not being together every day like we were for 2 months or if its the face that we arent even a couple anymore. we are just young people completly in love with each other but to afraid to make something out of it. i guess im just really confused of this entire situation. im sorry if i bothered you too much. im sorry.